AFRICA. Understanding PMS.

You may think you understand PMS but that's not the kind I'm referring to. The kind of PMS I will discuss here is the Primitive Mood-altering Showers of Africa. There are different levels that need to be understood in order to fully appreciate the magnitude of PMS's impact on the women and the world in general.

Level 1:
The tease. You were expecting a hot shower, but after 5 long days and you walk into a dark dirty shack with a fire-warmed gravity shower in a corner filled with territorial spiders. The water is luke warm at best and it is like trying to wash your hair in a rain shower.

Level 2:
The annoyer. It is 25 degrees out and again, you have not bathed in 3 days. You are forced to choose between an outright revolt by your tent partner or showering in an open air shower that anyone interested in looking can see right through. The water is hot, but your neighbor is that guy on the trip that is always singing showtunes off key.

Level 3:
The tear jerker. How to get someone happy to cry ... almost guarenteed. Put them in a hot shower when it is in the low 20's and then break the thermostat on the water heater ad let it go ice cold just as they put shampoo into their hair. If you want hysterical crying then just at that moment someone should open the outer door letting in a cold blast of air.

Level 4:
Warning, those experiencing level 4 PMS should be left alone for at least 4 hours before approaching as they can become suddenly violent and unpredictable. This is a shower that is as cruel as they come. The bathroom is bright and cheery ... welcoming and clean.

You find the anonymous and highly disturbing "Mr Toilet" poem posted at the back of every door as a reminder to keep the toilets clean. There's even loo paper readily available. The water is hot and has pressure. You lather up and put shampoo in your hair then start the arduous task of attempting to shave off a months hair that has grown on you legs. The water pressure suddenly weakens and you turn the warm tap in a vain attempt to relive those glorious moments of water ... when it weakens further you brace yourself for the icy cold water you will have to endure, but when you turn the cold water tap you find yourself stunned by the fact that there is just no water at all.

The tears come as the grim reality sets in that you will have to wipe off the soap and shampoo with your formerly white towel. A white towel can can only be described currently as "off white" displaying a wide variety of browns and other dirt colors. Just when you've completed this horrendous task - the final kick in the gut, the water returns just as you have gathered your belongings and turned to leave.