NYC. Open letter to the children I love.

An open letter to my nieces and nephews (honorary & biological),

Let me start off with this:  you are all the smartest, best looking children that I’ve ever encountered. You are funny and cute especially when you bat your eyes and tell me me how awesome I am.  Occasionally after a visit, I even think that maybe I should make a kid for myself.  I know you are just manipulating me, an attempt to sucker me in into parenthood, or simply to neutralize me as a threat in your anti-parent plot. In short, my sweet little nieces and nephews, I’m onto you.

You have a lot on your side, powerful little limbs capable of amazing destruction 10x what your stature might suggest.  You have lungs that can shatter glass and stop traffic, and giant eyes on an oversized head that soften the hardest hearts.  All of this is in your corner as you seek to dominate your world, but they are no match for Auntie Lisa.

I have known your mommies and daddies since long before their chromosomes hooked up to make you. I remember what your mommies and daddies were like when they took the time to put on makeup, and slept until 11am on Sundays.  I knew them when they were up at 3am with puke on their shirt.  I knew them when that puke was their own. You believe you are winning, that the hormones and sleep deprivation have left them powerless against you.  I have watched you wield this authority with the confidence of a Russian tsar, your tactics of fear and intimidation. 

But I tell you this - I live in America, not turn of the century Russia.  And in America we believe in freedom, and when I see the sad sighs and the slumped postures of defeat in your parents, I'm emboldened to defend those freedoms.  This is bigger than you (although at 28 inches tall, most things are); it's about principle, it's about America.

These poor slobs who house and care for you were my friends before they were your parents. We go back to a world before cell phones and the Internet, and quite frankly you took those well-rested, fun people away from me.  It's those memories of the old days strengthen me in battle.  So when you go up against your Auntie Lisa, prepare to lose. You may have other aunts or uncles who cower before the power of a public tantrum, feel guilt at any sign of discontent – not I. Your weapons are inadequate against me. You cannot cry and get what you want.  I’m larger, smarter and stronger. When you ignore your parents' requests, or start to whine, I'm driven into action.  Regardless of what you think or feel or want, in my world the adults are right every time.  Yes, the adults are right every. single. time. including those times we are wrong.

If you still decide to revolt, be warned, I will unleash a powerful "teacher look" developed by top scientists and proven to paralyze toddlers from ½ a room away.  If that fails beware the low, but terrifying, "teacher voice" that can stop a closet monster in its tracks.  Best not to mess with me kiddos, best to just smile and obey - at least until I get on that plane headed home.

Much Love,
Auntie Lisa